Keep Calm! How to Stop Fighting in Your Relationship
According to Psychologists, There Are About 10 Reasons Why Relationships Fail. These include Trust Issues, Unfulfilled Expectations and Conformity to Name a Few. Constant Fighting Can Also Lead to a Difficult Relationship, and if Handled Poorly Can Lead to a Complete End of the Relationship. While Fighting is Normal in a Relationship (No One is Perfect!) There Are Ways to Stop Fighting and Handle Your Conflicts With Calmness and Understanding.
Fighting Well Takes Time and Commitment to Get to the Root of the Problem, Whatever It May Be. If You’re in a Relationship Where You Fight More Than You Have Fun With Your Partner, Rest Assured, There Are Ways to Stop Fighting and Enjoy Each Other More.
How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship
If You’re Tired of Fighting With Your Partner, Here Are Some Ways You Can Stop It Before It Gets Worse.
- Dodge the Defensive
It’s Normal and Natural to Immediately Want to Get Defensive When a Fight Breaks Out. You May Feel Attacked, Wronged, or Guilty for Something You Didn’t Do. Taking Criticism or Statements From Your Partner Personally Stokes the Fire.
But, the Best Way is to Assess the Situation Objectively. Did You Say or Do Something That Hurt Them? If So, Work to Fix It.
This Can Include Apologizing, Correcting What Happened, or Simply Asking How You Can Fix It. Often, It’s Not About You as a Person, but What Happened. Accept and Absorb What the Other Person Has to Say, Asking Questions if Necessary.
- Step Away From the Situation to Calm Down
Often During a Fight, Our Thoughts and Feelings Can Become Unclear or Irrational. Fighting in This Mindset Takes More Speech, Because We Usually Say Things We Don’t Really Mean.
If the Argument Gets Too Heated, Step Away for a While and Regain Your Perspective. Let Your Mind Cool Down by Taking a Walk or Spending Some Alone Time. Usually, Once You Clear Your Mind, You Can Approach a Conflict With a Fresh Perspective.
- Always Fight or Argue Face to Face
In Our Digital World, We May Think in Writing Before We’ve Had a Chance to Control Our Conversations. But Not Everyone Reads Text and Tone the Same Way, and Your Partner May Take What You Say Completely Out of Context, Paving the Way for More Fighting.
When People Fight Face-to-face, Body Language is Clearer and Vocal Tone is Easier to Pick Up on. If an Argument is Particularly Complex or Intense, Long, Drawn-out Text Messages Are Difficult to Type and Are Best Discussed in Person.
- Create Boundaries to Fight for
When You Attack the Person’s Character Instead of the Problem, the Fight Gets Out of Hand. Abusing, Shouting at Each Other and Avoiding the Real Problem Can Escalate and the Fight Becomes an All Out War.
When You Fight, Sit Down With Your Partner and Discuss Some Boundaries. For Example, a Person May Speak in a Respectful Tone Without First Shouting or Calling Names. These Destructive Behaviors Redirect You From the Issue That Needs Attention and Create an Unsafe Space to Listen and Accept Each Other.
- Remember Why You’re in the Relationship
While the Honeymoon Phase of Your Relationship May Be Over or Over Altogether, That Doesn’t Mean It’s a Lost Cause. Many People Have Successful, Deeply Fulfilling Relationships When They First Start Dating or After the First Years of Marriage.
This May Be Because They Remember Why They Are in a Relationship and What They Like About Their Partner. They Realize That Their Life is Better Off Without Each Other. Although Everyone Has Their Own Baggage and Personal Issues, It’s Good to Remember That and It Gives the Relationship Something to Fight for.
- Settle the Dispute as Soon as Possible
Couples Who Let Problems Fester Tend to Break Up Sooner Than Those Who Turn to Conflict Too Soon. Not Speaking Up and Letting Our Feelings Boil Over Creates Untold Resentment or Bitterness That Can Seep Into Relationships.
This is Harmful, Especially if the Other Partner Doesn’t Know. Being Honest About Our Feelings or Issues and Putting It on the Table Forces Us to Work Through Those Issues So That Nothing Weighs on Our Minds During the Relationship.
- Consider Therapy
If Fighting Seems Too Difficult to Handle on Your Own, or You Feel Lost, Consider Couples Therapy.
Couples Who Choose to Seek Therapy Can Learn to Better Understand Each Other and Themselves. Therapy Gives You the Opportunity to Take a Third Party Look Inside Your Relationship and Identify Problem Areas That You May Have Overlooked.
A Good Therapist Provides Practical Steps for Working Towards Peace in Your Relationship. They Can Offer Techniques to Help You Work Through Arguments and Disagreements. Couples Therapy is a Great Way to Express Your Thoughts.
Keep in Mind, Healing Goes Both Ways. While the Therapist or Counselor Aims to Provide You With Constructive Feedback, It Doesn’t Work Unless Both of You Are Committed to Saving the Relationship.
- Set Aside Some Time
The Stresses of Our Lives Can Take a Toll on Our Relationships. While It May Be That Things Outside of Your Relationship Are Stressing You Out, the Truth is That the Relationship Itself is Stressful.
Consider Living Apart From Each Other for a While. It Could Be a Weekend Away Alone or With Friends to Enjoy Some Place or Something You Love.
Sometimes Couples Need to Spend Time Apart, Encourage Them During That Time. This Can Be Completely Personal to the Couple for Various Reasons. This Doesn’t Necessarily Mean That the Relationship is in Trouble.
However, Time Away Gives You a Different Perspective on Your Relationship. If You Come Back Believing That the Relationship is Over, Talk to Your Partner About It.
- 1 7 Tips from Couples Counselors on Healthy Fighting In Relationship
- 2 FAQ Any Relationship Avice
7 Tips from Couples Counselors on Healthy Fighting In Relationship
No Relationship is Perfect. Even the Most Solid Soul Mates Drift Apart From Time to Time. But Arguments Don’t End in Tears, the Silent Treatment, or Closing Doors. In Fact, Chances Are a Daily Tussle Can Actually Turn Into Something Productive.
We Asked Three Couples Counselors in Our Network to Share What Tips They Follow to Keep Their Relationship Running Smoothly When the Going Gets Tough. Below Are Her Tips for Fighting With Your Significant Other in a Way That Fosters Communication, Compromise, and Respect.
- Avoid Saying “Always” and “Never”.
You’ve Heard This Advice Before, but Couples Counselors Agree That It’s Really a Golden Rule. The Problem With Using General Words Like “Always” and “Never” When You’re in an Argument With a Partner is That Doing So Puts Unnecessary Limits on Your Interactions and Even Your Relationship.
A Clinical Psychologist in Nyc Who Works With Couples, Dr. Tara Dewitt Says, “Perfection Traps Us.” “When We Use ‘never’ or ‘always,’ the Other Person Naturally Wants to Defend That It Isn’t. This Leaves Us in Conflict With Each Other Instead of Addressing the Larger Concern. Gives.”
Not to Mention, the Statements “Never” and “Always” Are Rarely Literally True. Consider the Following Examples:
“You Never Ask How My Day Was!” (Not Even Once?)
“I’m Always the One Who Takes Out the Trash!” (Your Partner Never Took It Off?)
“I Never Feel Comfortable Around Your Family!” (Haven’t You Felt Comfortable Once?)
Worse, by Exaggerating the Reality of What You’re Experiencing in Your Relationship, You Close the Discussion About What’s Really Going on. In Each of the Above Examples, There is Likely a Valid Concern Lurking Beneath the Surface. But Using Words Like “Always” or “Never” Make It Hard to Pinpoint What Those Concerns Are, and How You Can Work Together to Address Them.
Consider How Different These Statements Look With Less Specific Language:
“It Seems to Me That You Are Not at All Interested in How My Days Are Going.”
“I Notice That I Take Out the Trash More Often Than You Do.”
“I Wonder if We Can Talk About Ways We Can Make It More Comfortable for You to Spend Time With Your Family.”
By Remembering Your Statements as Accurately as Possible, You’re Likely to Get Much Closer to the Root of What’s Bothering You—and You’ll Be Able to Work With Yourself Toward Positive Change. Will Open the Door for a Partner.
- Describe Your Feelings and Needs Instead of Blaming Your Partner
It Can Be Tempting to Impose Your Point of View on Your Partner to Make Sure They Truly Understand Your Side of the Argument. But Doing So Can Come Across as Accusatory, and Will Inevitably Put Your Partner on the Defensive. Thus Passive Aggression Can Occur, Which is Never Welcomed but is Very Easy to Fall Into. Instead, Do Your Best to Express How You Feel, Without Using Self-defeating Language.
For Example, Instead of Saying:
It Ruined My Whole Night When You Forgot to Call Me.
I Was Worried When I Didn’t Listen to You. I Find That I Often Feel [anxious/insecure/bad About Myself] in Situations Like This, So I’d Love It if We Could Find a Way to Communicate Better When We’re Apart.
As Mentioned Above, Sticking to “I Feel” or “I Need” Statements Removes Guilt, and Puts the Focus on Yourself and Your Needs. It Also Helps Prevent the Development of Resentment, Which Can Be Detrimental to a Relationship to a Great Extent.
- Know That It’s Okay to Go to Bed Angry
If You’ve Been to a Wedding or Two, You’ve Probably Heard Some Relative Toast the Happy Couple With a Wonderful Piece of Advice: Love Means Never Getting Angry. But Our Couples Counselor is Here to Tell You That’s Just Not True!
Fighting When You’re Tired Isn’t Likely to Be Productive, and It Can Make Things Worse. You Might Be Fighting Because You’re Tired—we All Know That When You’re Sleep-deprived, Small Problems Can Sometimes Become Overwhelming!
Kira Keenan, a Therapist Who Works With Couples in North Providence, Ri, Knows the Drive to Address Issues on the Spot—an Urge She Refers to as “Processing Holes”—can Be Strong. . But According to Couples Counselor and Researcher John Gottman, the Vast Majority (About 69%) of Recurring Conflicts in Relationships Are Never Actually Resolved. What Matters Most, Then, is How You Talk to Each Other About Your Viewpoints—instead of Focusing on Getting to the Bottom of the Argument.
The Next Time You Feel Yourself Falling Into a “Processing Hole,” Keenan Suggests Turning to Your Partner and Saying:
“Looks Like We’re Going Nowhere. I Want Our Struggle to Be Fruitful. Can We Take a Break and Find a Time in the Next Few Days When We Can Get Back Into It When We’re Both a Little More Feeling Resourceful?”
According to Anna Mcgregor Robin, a Therapist in Providence, Ri, Prioritizing Comfort in a Relationship is Key. After All, She Says, “in Order to Flourish and Grow, a Relationship Needs to Be Nurtured, Taught, and Played With Like a Child—and, Always, Enough Sleep!”
- Try to Fight Face-to-face Rather Than Digitally Whenever Possible
Text Messaging Can Be Quick and Convenient, but It’s Rarely the Right Substitute for the Important Conversations That Inevitably Arise in Relationships. It’s Easy to Misunderstand Tone and Intent When You’re Communicating via Quick Written Notes.
Instead, Aim for Face-to-face Communication. If There’s an Argument Brewing but You Can’t Be in the Same Place to Talk About It, Try to Put the Conversation on the Table—or at Least Replace It With a Video Call, Especially in Long-distance Relationships. In for the People.
And if You’re Really Feeling the Intensity of the Moment, Remember to Ask Yourself Before You Send a Message: Would I Want to Be Talked to This Way? If the Answer is No, Then It’s Better to Stop Texting Altogether Until You’ve Had a Chance to Calm Down.
- Solve the Problem That is Troubling You Immediately
It Can Be Tempting to Leave Out the Little Things in a Love Relationship; and Yes, Sometimes It Makes Sense. You May Feel Annoyed if Your Partner Eats the Last Cookie Without Asking You, but Decide It’s Not Worth the Fight.
But if You Notice That Your Partner Often Does Things That Bother You, It’s Definitely Worth Bringing Them Up—even if the Things That Bother You Seem Small! That is, if Your Partner Eats the Last Cookie Once or Twice, It’s Probably Not a Problem. But if It Happens Over and Over Again, You May Start to Experience Feelings That Are Far Beyond the Situation. You May Feel Disrespected, Ignored, or That Your Wishes Don’t Matter.
Keenan Says That, in Her Own Relationship, She and Her Partner Have Made a Pact to Work Toward Clear, Concise, Communication in Their Relationship — and “Part of That is Talking About Things as Soon as Possible.” We Get Any Information About Them.” It Involves Talking.” She Adds, “I Was Surprised How Difficult It Was for Me. Turns Out I Like to Work Things Through and Have a Clearer Understanding Before Talking About Them. Even Vulnerability is Not Easy!”
So the Next Time You Have a Strong Feeling About Something, Consider Raising the Issue as Soon as It Arises. It Could Mean “I’m Not Really Sure Why, but [xyz] Didn’t Feel Really Good!” as a Bonus, It Can Also Help You Learn to Trust Your Feelings, Explains Keenan, Who Says That Doing So Allows Her to Listen to Her Body and Trust the Information Coming From Her Inner World. Meets.
- Understand That Some Degree of Conflict is Inevitable – and Have Negative Strategies at the Ready
You and Your Partner May Be Each Other’s Biggest Cheerleaders, but at the End of the Day, You’re Still Two Unique People With Different Histories and Experiences. You Want Different Things at Some Point. Some Degree of Conflict is Inevitable in Every Relationship, and Embracing This Fact is Vital to Yours Being Successful.
“Without Healthy Expectations About the Inevitability of Disagreements, Ugly Arguments Can Lead to Anxiety About the Relationship,” Says Robin. All of These Can Lead to Destructive Ego-defense Strategies, Such as Blaming and Shaming Each Other.
The Next Time You Get Into a Heated Argument With Your Partner, Focus Less on Solving the Problem Right Away and More on Calming Down. Robin Recommends These Helpful Strategies:
A Reality Check With Empathy for Both of You: “We’re Both Tired… And We Both Deserve the Time and Space to Discuss This Constructively.”
Constructive ‘i’ Statement: “I Know You Are Telling Me Something Important, and I Want to Listen Carefully, Which I Can Do When I Am Not Too Tired.”
Gentle Laugh! If There is True Love Then You and Your Partner Share Quotes That Only You Get. See if You Can Quell the Anger With Some Secret Humor of Your Own.
- Consider Couples Counseling to Learn Healthy Fighting
If You’re Having Frequent Fights, Having Trouble Talking to Each Other, or Having Trouble Getting Over a Particularly Bad Argument, You Might Consider Seeing a Therapist Together. Huh. A Couples Counselor Can Help You Understand Where Your Partner is Coming From, and Create Space for You to Address Your Concerns and Reconnect.
However, Dr. Dewitt Notes That You Don’t Need to Wait Until Things Are Already Underway. “It’s Better to Look at Couples Therapy as a Preventive Strategy,” She Says, Because It’s “a Way to Keep Your Relationship Healthy and Connect With Someone, if Possible, Before It Hits a Rough Spot.” Reach.” is.
When You’re Ready, Find a Couples Counselor Right for You at Zencare. You Can Use Jencare’s Approach Filters to Find Couples Counselors in Your Area — Watch Their Intro Videos to Get a Feel for Their Style and Personality, Then Schedule a Free First Call With Them. Your Relationship Doesn’t Have to Be at Rock Bottom to Benefit From Couples Counseling – Couples Counselors Specialize in Enhancing Bonds at Every Stage of a Relationship.
FAQ Any Relationship Avice
How do you fix a relationship with arguing?
Best 7 Tips For Repairing Your Relationship After A Fight
Give Each Other Time And Space. After an argument with your partner, it’s important to give each other time and space. …
Feel Your Feelings. …
Use I Statements. …
Actively Listen. …
Take A Break If Needed. …
Apologize And Reconnect. …
Make A Plan For The Future.
What helps couples stop arguing?
8 Ways to Stop & Prevent Fights in Your Relationship
Give each other space. …
Don’t worry about being right. …
Try to become a better listener. …
Be open about your feelings. …
Pause before you speak. …
Build healthy communication skills. …
Try to be empathetic. …
Try couple’s therapy.
Is it normal to argue in a relationship every day?
Is it normal to argue every day in a relationship?
It is not normal to fight over small things every day.
This often occurs when there is an underlying problem that is not being addressed. Take a step back and sit with your partner. Try to have a calm, respectful conversation about what’s really going on here. If that doesn’t work, see a couples counselor.
What are the top 3 things couples argue about?
The three most common arguments between couples are about sex, money, and children.
Sex: This is probably the most frequent source of conflict between couples. ,
Money: Money-related issues that couples argue about are many. ,
Kids: The last topic couples are especially passionate about is kids.
What are the signs of a failing relationship?
7 Warning Signs You’re In a Failing Relationship Love
Resentment. Resentment grows when someone feels unheard or dismissed. …
Disrespect. Mutual respect is a cornerstone of all successful relationships. …