If watching “Jane the Virgin” and “Grace and Frankie” on Netflix has taught us anything, it’s that relationships are bad.
Personal experience proves it, too: From our eighth-grade romance to our most recent breakup drama, “love ain’t easy” is a life lesson we know all too well.
No matter your status — single, dating, engaged, or married — relationships work. Whether they end with tears and an empty Ben & Jerry’s or a forever ending may depend on countless factors, but your actions, words, and thoughts undoubtedly play a role.
One thing that will give you an advantage in the game of love? Get whatever wisdom you can from relationship therapists, researchers, matchmakers, and more.
Here, we’ve rounded it up in the form of the best advice we’ve learned from 15 experts. Regardless of your personal situation, his words can help you find the key to long-term happiness.
- 0.1 1. Find someone with similar values
- 0.2 3. Stop trying to be each other’s “everything.”
- 0.3 4. Do or say something everyday to show your appreciation
- 0.4 5. Make Sure You’re Meeting Your Partner’s Needs
- 0.5 7. Don’t forget to keep things warm
- 0.6 10. Try a Better Way
- 1 11. Identify your “good struggles”.
1. Find someone with similar values
“For long-lasting love, the more similarities (eg, age, education, values, personality, hobbies), the better. Partners should especially make sure they share the same values before marrying.”
While other differences can be accommodated and tolerated, a difference in values is especially problematic if the goal is long-lasting love.
Another secret to a long marriage: Both partners have to be committed to making it work, no matter what. The only thing that can break a relationship is the partner himself.
2. Never underestimate your partner
“It may sound obvious, but you can’t imagine how many people come to couples therapy very late, when their partner is done with the relationship and wants to end it.
It is very important to understand that everyone potentially has a breaking point, and that if their needs are not met or they are not seen by others, they will look for it elsewhere.
Many people believe that if they have a partner then they are fine without the things they want. ‘No relationship is perfect’ should not be used as justification for complacency.
3. Stop trying to be each other’s “everything.”
“‘You’re my everything’ is a bad pop song and an even worse relationship plan. No one can be ‘everything’ to anyone. Build relationships outside of relationships, or relationships won’t work anymore.”
4. Do or say something everyday to show your appreciation
“Saying and doing small, simple expressions of gratitude every day reaps big rewards. When people feel they are special and appreciated, they are happier in that relationship and more motivated to make the relationship better and stronger.
And when I say simple, I really mean it. Make small gestures that show you care: hugs, kisses, holding hands, buying a small gift, sending a card, making a favorite dessert, putting gas in the car, or telling your partner, ‘You’re sexy.’ , ‘You’re the best dad,’ or ‘Thanks for being so awesome.’
5. Make Sure You’re Meeting Your Partner’s Needs
“One of the first things I learned about love is that it is a business and a social exchange, not just a feeling. Loving relationships are a process by which we meet our needs and those of our partners. also meet the needs of
When that exchange is mutually satisfying, the good feelings keep flowing. When this does not happen, things turn sour and the relationship ends.
That’s why it’s important to focus on what you and your partner really do for each other as an expression of love… not how you feel about each other in the moment.
6. Don’t Just Go for the Big O
“Sex isn’t just about orgasms. It’s about sensation, emotional intimacy, stress relief, improved health (better immune and cardiovascular systems), and increased emotional bonding with your partner, all because of physical touch.” Thank you for the wonderful release of hormones. There are more reasons to have sex than just to stop.”
7. Don’t forget to keep things warm
“Sometimes people become shy of the person they love with the passage of time. Partners start underestimating their love and forget to keep themselves on and keep seducing their partner.
Keep your ‘gender dignity’ alive by doing some exercise regularly. This allows you to be vibrant, sexy and engaged in your love life. ,
8. Take the pressure off the display
“The penis-vagina model of sex comes with pressures, such as achieving an orgasm at the same time or the idea that penetration must be accompanied by an orgasm. With these strict expectations comes performance pressure that ultimately leads to many Causes failure for people.And feels a sense of hopelessness.
Instead, try expanding your concept of sex to include a close, intimate connection with your partner, such as a sensual massage, a nice shower or bath together, reading a romantic story together, something Fun toys to play with… the possibilities are endless
And if the climax happens, that’s great, and if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. As you expand your definition of sex and reduce the pressure on intercourse and penetration, anxiety around performance may decrease and your satisfaction may increase.
9. It’s Not What You Fight About – It’s How You Fight
“Researchers have found that four conflict messages are able to predict whether couples stay together or divorce: hatred, criticism, stonewalling (or withdrawal), and defensiveness.
Together, they are known as ‘The Four Horsemen’. Instead of resorting to these negative tactics, fight the fair: Look for places where each partner’s goals overlap into a common shared goal and build on that. Also, pay attention to using ‘I’ versus ‘you’ language.
10. Try a Better Way
“Research has shown that the way a problem is brought up determines how the rest of the conversation goes and how the rest of the relationship goes.” Sometimes an issue is raised by attacking or blaming one’s partner, which is also called criticism, and it is one of the relationship killers.
So start slowly. Instead of saying, ‘You always leave your dishes everywhere! Why can’t you lift anything?’ Try a humble approach, focusing on your own emotional response and a positive request.
For example: ‘I get angry when I see the dishes in the living room. Would you mind putting them back in the kitchen when you’re done?”
11. Identify your “good struggles”.
“Every couple has what I call ‘the good fight.’ There’s no end—it’s the beginning of deep love! Don’t run away from that struggle.
it must be. In fact, it’s the key to your happiness as a couple—if you can both name it and commit to working on it as a couple. If you approach your ‘good fights’ with bitterness, guilt, and hatred, your relationship will become toxic.”
make time for self-care
12. Make Time
“A friend taught me that it doesn’t matter how much in love you are or how long you’ve been together, it’s important to take a breather from your partnership.
Stay up late with girlfriends, take weekend trips to visit family, or take some time to ‘do you’. Then when you actually go home, you’ll both be recharged and ready to be even stronger together.”
13. Don’t give up on yourself
“There is one major cause of relationship problems: self-abandonment.
We can sacrifice ourselves in many areas: emotional (not recognizing or ignoring our feelings), financial (spending irresponsibly), organizational (being late or messy), physical (eating poorly, not exercising), relational. (causing conflict in the relationship), or spiritual (being too dependent on your partner for love).
When you decide to learn to love yourself instead of giving up on yourself, you will know how to create a loving relationship with your partner.”
14. Build a perfect life
“Like many people, I grew up believing that marriage required self-sacrifice. it is enough. My wife, Linda, helped me see that I didn’t need to be a martyr and sacrifice my happiness to make my marriage work.
He showed me that my responsibility to create a fulfilling and joyful life for myself was just as important as anything I could do for him or the kids.
Over the years, it has become increasingly clear to me that my responsibility for my own well-being is just as important as my responsibility to others.
It’s easier said than done, but it’s probably the most important thing we can do to make sure our relationship remains mutually satisfying. ,
Sometimes we get so hung up on our own expectations that we miss how beautiful our relationships are — and the lessons they’re teaching us. Realize that every relationship has a cost, no matter how long it lasts.
“There is no such thing as a failed romance. Relationships develop as they always were. It’s best not to try to make something that is meant to be seasonal or temporary into a lifelong relationship. Come on and enjoy the journey. ,